Each day of connection with a loved one is a rare gift.  As we grow and change, our connection with others also shifts.  W. Somerset Maugham once wrote, "We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. "

While I resonate with this, I think that there is more to be said:  It takes courage and willingness to work on ourselves to be open to loving another through all the changes of life.  Relationships are not static, and the gift of love is that we can embrace our own and another's change with courage, compassion and an open heart. 

When we find ourselves resisting our own or someone else's changing nature, it is an opportunity to look inward.  While not always easy,  the process is rich with personal growth and an increasing ability to create an ever deepening intimacy with yourself and your loved one. 

So today...just for a moment...celebrate your capacity to love and be loved in the changing moments of your life...honor the courage and conviction it takes to get up each morning and begin anew again!

As human beings we have a yearning to be seen and loved for who we are; in our vulnerability, in our magnificence and without any  pretense.  We look for that one person who allows us to live each day of our lives feeling full and complete.  Some of us are lucky and find our "soul-mate" or "best friend" at a young age...some of us go through several relationships and some are still searching. 

In my work as a Relationship Coach and Wedding Officiant, I have worked with couples who have entered into a lifetime commitment and then at some point down the road are questioning if they made the right choice.   Life is not always easy, and in the stressful and difficult times, we can often loose our way as we revert to old patterns and protective behaviors that may not support or nurture our relationships.  It is at these times like we need a clear path home to our hearts.  This is precisely why I encourage couples to create a partnership vision. 

Whether it is done through my workshop or in your own way, the power of this process, and the ability to evaluate, assess and resolve conflicting priorities and view points in a loving way, allows you and your partner to be in a compassionate, conscious and sacred relationship.  

Relationships require conscious intention, study and work...in fact they are an art.  Artisans study for many years as they hone their tools to create their masterpieces.  The visioning process offers an approach to cultivating a sacred relationship, while creating tools to work with as you move forward together in life.  We do this in a fun and interactive way, sharing our experiences, our learning's, our hopes and our dreams.  If you are interested in learning more, please call or e-mail or visit the workshop page and read what others have experienced.  The next workshop is Saturday, Feb. 26th. 
 

Tonight (Dec. 1) is the beginning of Hanukkah, and as I think about the season of lights, I am also aware that it brings out the best in people.  Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Diwali, Loy Krathong, the Winter Solstice or another I have not named...this is a time for illumination, hope and extending our hearts.   

We have the unique opportunity to bring consciousness to this season.  All of us want to feel safe, loved and worthwhile. While we carry these desires with us throughout the year, somehow this season offers us more intentionality.   It becomes easier to take time to be with those we love, to extend a hand to those in need and touch into compassion, forgiveness and our longing to heal the suffering around us.  While some of us may not recognize how an act of kindness, a smile, an encouraging word can ease another...in every person there is a world...and an opportunity to offer a bit of light, hope and love. 

As we wake each morning between now and years end, let us connect to our desire to make a difference in one person's life.  It may be in the form of a simple act...opening a door, helping someone with a shopping bag, thanking the cash register person, letting those you love know how they make your life easier...your heart will be lighter and joy will flow through.  It is infectious!

I leave you with a lovely quote by William Penn

"If there is any goodness I can show, or any good I can do to any fellow human being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." 

While some may not like the word "prayer", my personal definition has less to do with a belief in God or Spirit than it has to do with a deep connection in my heart and soul that often ends up with a feeling of superb gratitude, an earnest request on behalf of myself or another that is released into the universe...or simply that great sense of peace and love I feel each time I silence myself, connect with my breath and "pray".  So with Thanksgiving approaching, I began to think about how to celebrate, and I was reminded of a quote by Meister Eckhart:  "If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. "  I just love it! 

So a simple suggestion to for both myself and you...take time this week to connect to all that which you are grateful for.  Then offer a sincere "thank-you", whether it be for a specific act, or simply for the importance a special person has in your life.  Do this with as many people as you can!  The very act of "thanking" someone is not only a prayer, but also a blessing you bestow on someone.  As you thank and bless another, so are you blessed.  Have a lovely week my friends and thank-you for encouraging me to write and share from my heart.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote:  "It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."  

We are all interconnected in profound ways... some we understand, some we do not.  When we feel compassion for another it is because we are fully present to our own heart, longings and our human suffering.  We can understand and share in another's pain and need because we have the capacity to access our own. 

So whether we are sincerely extending our hand, ears and/or hearts to a friend, lover or stranger; in the simplest of acts; caring a grocery bag or opening a door for someone, volunteering time at a food bank or hospital, running an errand for a sick friend...each moment we serve another we are nurturing our own hearts and minds as we heal ourselves and a small piece of the world. 

My husband and I are taking some time this lovely fall season for a bit of R&R.  As with most of our private alone time, we decompress, take long walks, bike rides and spend much time in philosophical dialogue.  This morning as we were on the deck watching the wind blow through the grass and drinking our coffee, we spoke about the power of language and how it creates a personal reality different from any other individual. 

The simple fact is, nothing exists until we cognitively acknowledge it.  This usually takes the form of naming it, finding words to put to the sensations we know as our "feelings" and creating our reality (some people call this their "truth").   This becomes an interesting perspective for me especially as I apply it to relationships (my favorite inquiry topic!).

I have learned words and language from my culture, family of origin, spiritual leanings, learning style, etc.  As I relate to others, my reality and theirs, are informed by the various influences and ways we ascribe meaning to language and words.  This either brings us into alignment or potentially leads to conflict.  It is when I understand this that the opportunity for enrichment growth, connection and intimacy dramatically increases. 

In the personal work my husband and I engage in, we have found that some of our most disparate positions are actually quite similar.  We simply were speaking a different language, with each word carrying it's own nuance!   A recent example of this occurred as we began exploring his upcoming retirement.  Over several weeks I noticed that he was becoming a bit more panicked about my expectations.   Somehow in the words and tone I used, his reality was..."she is going to try and control everything I do!"  When finally he came back at me, using his personal style to establish clear boundaries...I became upset that he didn't see the opportunity I saw.  From this I quickly created the reality that and he didn't want to spend additional time with me and because of me was dreaded retiring...yes and I did become a bit despondent.  Never one to directly speak about my disappointments (a skill I am learning), I simply withdrew and became more and more distant...driving him to think I didn't want to be with him.   Not a pleasant place for either of us to be!  Clearly we had conflict, hurt feelings and a different view of our hopes and dreams...or maybe not. 

As we both began to took a step back, each trying to put ourselves in the others shoes, we were able to see how a word or phrase triggered a different reality for us.  Using a form of intentional dialogue, we discovered that underneath the words we used was our desire to be loved and wanted as we maintained our autonomy.    Both of us are indeed excited by the possibilities of spending more time together as we enter a new phase of our life. 

The next time you are feeling hurt or misunderstood, take a breathe and a step back and try to see what he/she might be hearing.  A simple word that is clear to you might be creating an entirely different reality for the other person. 

In the work I do as a relationship, life coach and celebrant, I am always in awe of the potential created when we meet each other at the level of the heart.  Our heart connections offer us amazing possibilities for personal growth, experiencing the world and expanding our potential to positively impact others. 

We can often forget in the busy days of our lives to celebrate how a friend or loved one has changed our world.  So today I offer a lovely reminder in a quote by Anais Nin:

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world of possibility not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."  

If we can pause today and take a moment to acknowledge, honor and celebrate this with that special someone...be it friend, lover, companion, parent or teacher, we will actively nurture our hearts and souls. 

As a wedding officiant who focuses on meaningful and customized wedding ceremonies, I spend a great deal of time writing reflections for couples.  This is not necessarily a quick process.  Often I need to be still to uncover the words or metaphors that will capture what I sense about two people and their relationship.  It is in these moments of silence that a new "phrase" or concept will emerge that I have not explored before.  This happened during the last few weeks and I have been exploring it ever since! The metaphor that came through me was: "Artisan's of Relationship".  This felt quite powerful, for Artisans are "workers" who have a passion for their art...whether it be writing, weaving, painting, carpentry, engineering, etc.  They apprentice, study, and acquire great skill at their craft as they learn to be masters, and in the process create works that support, enhance, enrich and nourish our lives.  For those of us who have become artisans of our relationships, this is our sacred journey in life...to work, study and perfect our craft.  It is an ever unfolding journey that heals our lives.   The next inquiry for me: How do I live as an Artisan, and in what ways do I abandon my craft?  Please share your thoughts!

As a relationship coach, I work with many people who wish to strengthen their relationships and live with greater awareness and intention as they strive to keep their relationship vibrant, fun and loving.   The common complaint I hear is, "This is great when we are working with you and have this focused time to explore our challenges.  We can hold onto what we learn here for a week, maybe even a bit longer, but our lives get complicated and after a while, we slip back to our old patterns.   How do we find the time and/or remember to keep this going?" 

This is a terrific inquiry, and while there are many tips and tricks you can incorporate, my answer usually focuses on some specific practices you can easily incorporate into your life.

• Speak a vow to each other at the beginning of each day:  this works particularly well when you wake in the morning if you can coordinate your schedules.  (see my blog entry: A Post-Wedding Vow)      
  
• At the end of each day acknowledge something you are grateful for with your loved one,  even if it has been a difficult day between you…it might be how grateful you are that you are able to work through things, or trust that you will come together again.
• Make a specific time to get together at least once a week…make this time sacred i.e a "date night" or a special time after the day is over that you chat without TV or other distraction. 
  
• Find a time to focus on the relationship separate from “date” night.  Monthly is usually reasonable, and weekly if you can fit it in is terrific!  Use this time to  either create a shared vision, or to explore relationship philosophy by read a book on relationships, or discussing how you can each listen better to one another. 
  
• Finally, remind yourself that you and your spouse, partner, friend, lover or family member, are human and will make mistakes.  The simple truth is that neither you or your loved one would do anything to intentionally cause pain.

Share your own thoughts so others can benefit! 

     
My greatest passion and life journey can be summed up in one word "relationship".  Whether it is an intimate relationship with my husband, a close friend, my family, or an acquaintance or business associate, I am fascinated by all that can occur, and the impact that we can make on each other, when we bring intention to our actions, thoughts and deeds. 

As a relationship coach, interfaith minister and wedding officiant,  I have the pleasure of working with couples or partners to establish a relationship and/or marriage vision.  This is a wonderful process that allows each person in the partnership to explore their individual beliefs, values and commitments surrounding their relationship.  Sharing this with each other, they create a shared vision which highlights their joint commitments in the day to day unfolding of their lives and future goals.   This vision allows them to begin the process of looking at all the different aspects of their lives; work, family, emotional support, leisure time, financial life, future goals, etc, and to recognize what supports their vision and what does not. 

Relationships are not static, they are alive with possibility.  They change each day as we shift and grow.  When we bring conscious intention to them; when we realize that our relationships offer us the opportunity to become the best person we can be; then we have the desire to keep them vibrant. 

This is not necessarily easy work, but it can be fun, motivating and rich with personal growth and understanding for oneself and your partner.  A vision, like a relationship, is not static.  So regardless of how or where you start, when you create a vision you are also agreeing to an ongoing process of communication, re-evaluation and growth.