I am privileged to be a member of the Boston Wedding Group, a group of top professionals dedicated to the wedding industry.  When looking for expertise in any aspect of the wedding process, I am able to draw upon a rich range of viewpoints, knowledge and creativity to help my couples bring their vision into reality.  Throughout the planning process, my couples inevitably become a bit overwhelmed.  So today I turn to 3 of the top wedding planners in Boston and New England to ask them for the favorite tip they offer their couples as they see the stress mounting in the planning process.

Paula Marrero founder of Marrero Events and The Studio at Marrero Events offers this:

“Planning your wedding tends to be the most stressful at the beginning of the planning and during the last 12 weeks before the wedding.  During the last three months, most couples will say to us, "Okay, we have selected all of our vendors ... now what do we do with them???"  While no one is ever fully prepared to know exactly how to handle all of the pieces to their wedding-day puzzle, we always advise our Couples to take a step back, recall the reason that you are here and remember why you chose to take this step with your partner.  Remember that no matter what may lay ahead of you, you decided to get married because you truly love, respect and want to share your life with your very best friend, the person you want to say good night to at the end of every day and THIS is what really matters.   We advise our couples to plan something fun together at least once per month during the planning process.  Remember what got you here in the first place .... your love for your best friend!  And THAT is the person you will vow to spend your life with .... so remember to always take time to continue growing the bond that you share!  And laugh a lot along the way!”

Edna Dratch Parker founder of EFD Creative, spoke to me from her heart as she shared a bit of her own experience: 

“Six weeks before my wedding my husband was in a serious motorcycle accident. This was a game changer for me. Wondering if your partner will live makes all the small stresses instantly disappear. Having had that experience, I like to remind my couples that in the end, all that really matters is the love you both share, and how important it is to celebrate your day with all your family and friends who have traveled to be with you. Wedding planning does include stress with all the details, but staying focused on the true meaning will help relieve the extra pressure.” So the tip I offer to my couples, throughout the planning process is: whenever you feel the stress or pressure mounting, pause and remind yourself to stay focused on the true meaning of what your wedding day is really about".  

Alexis Eliopoulos O'Mara founder of Unique Weddings by Alexis said to me:

“I tell my couples to really enjoy their planning process, it should be fun and exciting. I advise then to not allow their wedding plans or their families stress them out by focusing on what is fun for them - the food, the decorating, the band or whatever it may be. Then allow someone (like a planner) to assist with the rest, the things that are not fun for the couple. And this will be different for each couple".  Other tips from Alexis to have fun:

Buy some of the wine options from your reception menu and have a little wine pairing or tasting as a couple at home. 

Go out to the bar or venue that your band (or one of the bands you like) is playing at and have a night out enjoying some music that interests you for your wedding.  

Schedule a couple of cake tastings. Trying cake is fun for almost everyone. Make sure you can go together as a couple.”

LisaAnn’s tip:  Personally after working with many many couples, I noticed that it is all the small details and pulling it all together at the beginning and end that accelerates the level of stress.  If your budget allows; hire a wedding planner/designer and let them do the work!  (You can’t go wrong with any of these marvelous woman!)

I found the process of planning a wedding to be incredibly stressful. Of course I did. There is a clichéd image of the hyper-focused bride fretting over the particular shade of pink sashes, and I’ll be the first to admit that I fit into that mold (at least some of the time). 

In this post, though, I want to write about something that not many people say:  I learned something about marriage while I planned my wedding ceremony. (I know that WE were planning OUR wedding ceremony, of course, but I don’t want to speak here for what my husband may or may not have learned, so I’ll stick with my own impressions.) All of the steps we went through—answering questions for our officiant, choosing wedding rituals and readings, and writing our own vows (see previous blogs)—actually taught me something, about myself, my soon-to-be-husband, and our views on marriage.

This leads me to the conclusion that there is a larger purpose for a wedding ceremony. It is, of course, meant to provide you with the chance to share your love with a community of family and friends. It makes your commitment public, and allows your community the chance to support that commitment. Beyond that, though, the wedding ceremony—what you choose to include, what you leave out, and your reasons for doing so—will show you something about how you feel about marriage. Understanding these feelings is useful.

After two and a half years of marriage, I still find myself thinking about the themes Jamie and I emphasized: We are a team. Marriage is hard work. I’m not sure these themes would have carried with me had I not spent so much time reflecting on them during the planning process.

So, there is something from your wedding that will last even longer than the programs, or the perfect wedding favor you finally found. If you’re feeling stressed out about the process, I would recommend LisaAnn’s post with tips for remembering what your wedding is really about. And then I would take a deep breath and remember that through all the stress of planning, you’re learning how to be married.

Your wedding day is exciting and one of the most important days of your life.  Whether you are planning a small intimate affair, or a larger celebration, the details can often take over your lives.   So while possibly not the most popular view, my suggestion is; put the brakes on!  From the very beginning, before making decisions about your wedding day, take a breath and really look at what you are going to co-create together as a couple. 

What are your dreams, your vision for your life together?  With many of the couples I work with, before beginning to design their ceremony, we spend a day creating a vision for their partnership and marriage.   What this offers them is the ability to create a foundation, roots for their marriage and tools for keeping their relationship alive and vibrant as they move past their wedding day.

From this vision they can then begin the planning process with a different perspective.  In some circumstances the original vision for their day remained the same, but in several circumstances, the overall theme of the day shifted beginning with their ceremony itself.  In almost all cases, when the planning process became stressful, the vision was the main tool they used to re-center themselves.

Your wedding not only celebrates the love you share it also launches you into a new adventure.  Personally I would never go hiking on a new trail without a map, nor start a business without a strategic business plan.  So my advice: take some time before the planning truly begins and focus on yourselves and what you wish to create together.  While many people do not have the resources, time or inclination to spend a full day working with me, here is a way to begin:

Start with yourself first, each of you should come up with your own vision initially and then share, looking for commonalities and differences.  To do this you may wish to begin with the questions below:

• What are your personal beliefs and values about marriage?
• What are you willing to commit to in an ongoing journey with your partner?
• What are you not willing to commit to?
• What is working well in your relationship?
• What is not working well and what change would make a difference to you?

Be specific, and when sharing with your partner ask lots of questions about what their words really mean, don’t assume you know, become as concrete as you can.  Remember to listen; don’t rush to combine your visions.  Take your time and remember that visions are not static, they will shift and change as you both grow as individuals and as a couple.   

Once completed use your marriage vision anytime the wedding planning process gets stressful, or the decisions seem overwhelming.  It will return your focus to what you are both trying to create and give you a bit of perspective on the current stress or detail you are dealing with.   Most importantly, you should have more fun then stress when planning your wedding.  Stay tuned for the 3 tips to do just this in my next post.

LisaAnn’s guidance and suggestions helped enormously when it came time choose our rituals, and write our vows,  but of course there was one more component of our ceremony that was causing me major anxiety: the readings. If left to our own devices I suspect Jamie and I would have read through fifty or a hundred wedding readings until, because of exhaustion or boredom, we’d just pick two that we had lukewarm feelings about.

For those of you who will be working with LisaAnn: don’t worry. This is not how it works. She will draw on all of your ideas about marriage and your wedding, and will send you a selection of readings that reflect these themes.  She did this for us, and we ended up choosing “A Marriage” by Michael Blumenthal. It is not a typical wedding reading, but it spoke to us immediately.

For those readers who are planning your own ceremony, what can I tell you about selecting readings? It helps to think first about the themes or ideas you want reflected in the ceremony, and read possibilities with those in mind. Michael Blumenthal’s poem is about a couple doing some exhausting work, holding up a very heavy ceiling. It’s about the ways they can support each other in this work, and it perfectly reflected our idea that marriage is a partnership, and a job that requires daily work.

I would also advise you to think outside the box. Love poetry is a good source, but you may also consider some more unconventional readings. For our second reading, a dear friend of ours wrote a meditation on marriage that started with a memory of eating spaghetti in our apartment, and incorporated ideas on marriage from each of our parents.           

So, you can choose a love poem if it resonates with you, or you can compose a meditation that brings together all of your guests’ ideas about what makes a successful marriage. You might consider incorporating a reading from each of your parents’ wedding ceremonies, if that anchor to your families is important to you. Or, you may focus on reading particular authors that you and your fiancé enjoy to find your selection.          

The important thing to remember, which LisaAnn helped us to understand, is that there is no “right” wedding reading, except for that reading which means something to both of you.

Last night I have the privilege of sitting down with a wonderful couple to discuss their upcoming wedding.  These are two incredible people who have been together for ten years.  They have gone through much in their time together and have a deep understanding of the nature of their relationship...the work, resilience, forgiveness, appreciation and gratitude that comes, each and every day, as they consciously commit to their individual and combined growth.  

As we began to speak about what marriage means to them, they recalled a  movie called "Shall We Dance" and recited an amazing quote, that for them encapsulated so much of what marriage offered. 

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

I find this quote quite profound, for it evoked in me an openness of heart and a "felt-sense" of a depth of intimacy that often is difficult to illicit in language. 

As a Wedding Officiant I am reminded of the power of looking beyond the traditional readings to other sources such as; song lyrics, scenes from a movie or play, notes written back and forth to one another, etc.  I would love if you would share your own experiences of where you have found your favorite readings for weddings!

Writing your own vows can be daunting, but do not get too anxious...Melissa walks you through her process, and with a very small amount of encouragement and guidance, Jamie and her vows were fabulous!

Jamie and I are both writers, so there was no question that we would write our own vows for our wedding ceremony. We quickly realized, however, that just because we spend our days typing words on a page, doesn’t mean our vows would come quickly and easily to us. Fortunately, LisaAnn was able to guide us through this process, with step-by-step instructions.

Before we even got ready to brainstorm or begin writing, though, Jamie and I found it helpful, with LisaAnn’s guidance, to talk about what made us nervous about this process. In discussing these anxieties, we didn’t judge each other, or worry about whether they were logical. It was just helpful to get them all out.

Jamie was worried about his tendency to make jokes during serious situations. We talked about it, and agreed that a couple of laugh lines would be fine. He’s a funny person, after all, and I wanted him to be himself in his vows. 

I, on the other hand, was worried about length requirements. Jamie likes to tell long stories, whereas I have heart palpitations if I need to say more than a few words in front of a crowd. So, one of my anxieties was that my vows would be over in fifteen seconds, while Jamie delivered the equivalent of the Gettysburg Address. I was hoping we could meet somewhere in the middle. The first thing we did, therefore, was to agree to a word count.

This might strike some of you as a ridiculous, or anal conversation to have. Who, after all, thinks about word count when it comes to the promises you are making to the person you love most in the world? Me, apparently. Who needs permission to make a joke? Jamie does. And that’s just the point: in all aspects of planning your ceremony, including writing your vows, it’s important to acknowledge what’s truly important to you, and what has you lying awake at night in a cold sweat. Once you talk about those anxieties, and find solutions when necessary, you’ll be ready to start writing!

For a look at the results of all of our word-counting and joke-making, click here. And tell me what silly thing you’re obsessing about when it comes to your vows!

I so love my work, not only do I get to marry fabulous couples, but then...I have the distinct pleasure and honor of welcoming and blessing their babies!   Jen & Jonny formally welcomed Madeline on her 1st birthday.  Initially surrounded by an intimate group of family, we celebrated her life and the roles we all play in her ongoing growth with the lighting of candles, dance and song. 

Brooke, Domenic and their family welcomed Jackson this past January just as Jackson was about to turn 4 months old.  For Brooke and Domenic it was important to recognize the responsibility they have as parents in helping Jackson be fearless and true to his heart.  With readings and intentions they stepped into their roles of parents as they promised to support and encourage Jackson as he stumbles, falls, achieves his goals and pursues his passions.  Everyone had an opportunity to commit themselves to support Jackson, Brooke and Domenic. 

Thank-you Brooke, Domenic, Jen & Jonny for allowing me to be part of your families.  I am so grateful of the blessings received!   Soon I will be blessing Rafael and Elizabeth's son Parker...stay tuned for more.

Melissa's story and insights continue...

Looking back at that first meeting with LisaAnn, and our subsequent conversations as we planned our wedding ceremony, I realize how lucky Jamie and I were to have found her. We knew we needed a partner, who would involve us in the planning process and create a truly original ceremony with us, and that was partly true. But more than a partner, we needed a guide, an advisor, and sometimes a psychic!

I think Jamie and I were probably very similar to a lot of engaged couples: we knew what we didn’t want (nothing too generic, but nothing too random either), but we had a harder time articulating what we actually did want. LisaAnn was able to—somehow, magically—hear the way we talked about our relationship, and our ideas about the wedding and our marriage, and then suggest elements for our ceremony that perfectly reflected these ideas.

For example, we talked to her about how important it was for us to have our wedding guests somehow involved in the ceremony. We believed that in gathering so many people together to witness our wedding, we were asking something of them: protect this love, we wanted to say to them. Witness us, yes, but also support us.

LisaAnn had so many ideas for how to take this sentiment that for us was at the heart of our entire wedding, and use it to create our ceremony. Starting with her opening blessing, she called upon all of our guests to respond with their own promise to support us; she suggested a sand ceremony that would incorporate both sets of our parents—and our separate histories—into the ceremony; and she suggested we have a dear friend write a unique reflection to be read at the ceremony.

In creating our ceremony, she didn’t ask us what we wanted. If she had, we wouldn’t have known how to answer. Instead, she asked us about love and marriage, and understood how to translate our answers into a truly meaningful ceremony that was completely us.           

So, what did I learn from this experience of working with LisaAnn? Trying to sit down and list the specific rituals, elements, or readings that you want included in your ceremony will probably not result in a cohesive plan that truly reflects who you are as a couple. Instead, try listing the reasons you are planning a wedding in the first place, and what it means to you to be married. What do you want to take away from the ceremony, when it is all done? (If you’re following LisaAnn’s advice from last week, you already have sticky notes with these ideas floating around your wedding planning area!)         

Reflect on these ideas, and then think about what you might do during your ceremony to demonstrate them to your guests, and to each other. In this way, you are using your ideas about love and marriage as the starting point for your ceremony.          

In my next post, I’ll talk about how you can use these strategies to write your own vows. In the meantime, I’d love to hear about the sentiments or ideas you would like reflected in your wedding ceremony! 

For many couples getting married this summer and fall, or for those who have just gotten engaged, the planning process can consume  much of your time and energy.  It is easy to loose focus on what your wedding day is truly about; a special time to honor and celebrate your path to one another, what you have and will continue to build together and affirming this in the presence of family and friends. 

How do you keep focused on the fact that this day is about the two of you?  First and foremost it is remembering why you are entering into the sacred commitment of marriage and partnership.  It is keeping yourselves aware of the blessings you receive each day when you wake up and go to sleep together.  It is about a lifetime of possibility and ongoing co-creation.  So whether you are in the beginning, middle or final stages of the wedding planning process, here a few tips to help you keep focused on the two of you.

• Whether you have a file folder, binder or area on your desk that you are gathering all the "wedding" documents, use  "post-it's", write short reminders ... something simple like:  "this day is about our connection",  "we are affirming our love and commitment" "we are celebrating our love", etc. and prominently post these so that each time you go to your papers they are in front of you.
• Begin a daily practice with your partner: it can be a simple statement and/or affirmation that you share with one another... "we will remain focused on our love and creating a special moment that focuses on our relationship".    Or it can be an agreement you make when all the planning details begin to overtake your lives...one of you reminds the other to pause, breathe and offers a hug, kiss or even a loving diversion to a restaurant, concert etc...
• Take breaks from the "wedding planning" have a date night each week or schedule a "get-away" weekend where you both agree to not discuss the wedding!

While these may seem simple it will take a conscious effort for you to incorporate these into your daily experience.  Ultimately, what is remembered from a wedding is not whether the napkins are a perfect match, or the color scheme, or even the venue...what is remembered is the feeling of love, friendship and warmth that is created and shared with your community.  Please share any tips that are working or have worked for you...it is always helpful for others to hear these!

At the point at which Jamie and I went to meet LisaAnn, we had already booked our venue, our caterers, the DJ, the florist… We were, in a sense, wedding vendor pros. But, as I mentioned in my previous post, we also felt strongly that meeting with our officiant was different. It was clear, from the moment LisaAnn invited us into her home, that she understood this distinction. She was not trying to “sell us” on her services, and she certainly didn’t refer us to examples of other ceremonies she’d done.

Instead, she asked us questions. Some of these questions—What is the style you want to project in your ceremony? or  Are there any religious/spiritual traditions you wish to include?—would clearly tell her something about what we were looking for. We were hoping for an officiant who would ask us these things, and were happy to share our ideas.

Other questions, though, we weren’t expecting:   How has your relationship developed into what it is today?  What does Marriage mean to you?  What has been easy about planning this wedding?

It was clear to us that LisaAnn was most concerned with understanding who we really were, as individuals and as a couple. She wanted to know how our relationship worked, and how it had developed. These questions, and the warm and inviting way in which she discussed our answers, changed the way we were thinking about our wedding officiant.

All the other vendors we had hired would help us to create a memorable wedding; LisaAnn, however, would help us set the tone for our marriage.

It was the best first date we could have imagined. We left feeling like LisaAnn really understood who we were. More importantly, we learned from her how to think of our wedding ceremony in a new way. It wasn’t just a collection of readings and personalized rituals; it was an extension of our relationship, and a public statement of how we would approach our marriage.

In my next post I’ll discuss how LisaAnn helped us to develop our ceremony, and how she managed to fulfill the promises of this wonderful first meeting.

Until then, I’d be curious to hear from you: what questions do you hope your wedding officiant will ask you?