My husband and I are taking some time this lovely fall season for a bit of R&R.  As with most of our private alone time, we decompress, take long walks, bike rides and spend much time in philosophical dialogue.  This morning as we were on the deck watching the wind blow through the grass and drinking our coffee, we spoke about the power of language and how it creates a personal reality different from any other individual. 

The simple fact is, nothing exists until we cognitively acknowledge it.  This usually takes the form of naming it, finding words to put to the sensations we know as our "feelings" and creating our reality (some people call this their "truth").   This becomes an interesting perspective for me especially as I apply it to relationships (my favorite inquiry topic!).

I have learned words and language from my culture, family of origin, spiritual leanings, learning style, etc.  As I relate to others, my reality and theirs, are informed by the various influences and ways we ascribe meaning to language and words.  This either brings us into alignment or potentially leads to conflict.  It is when I understand this that the opportunity for enrichment growth, connection and intimacy dramatically increases. 

In the personal work my husband and I engage in, we have found that some of our most disparate positions are actually quite similar.  We simply were speaking a different language, with each word carrying it's own nuance!   A recent example of this occurred as we began exploring his upcoming retirement.  Over several weeks I noticed that he was becoming a bit more panicked about my expectations.   Somehow in the words and tone I used, his reality was..."she is going to try and control everything I do!"  When finally he came back at me, using his personal style to establish clear boundaries...I became upset that he didn't see the opportunity I saw.  From this I quickly created the reality that and he didn't want to spend additional time with me and because of me was dreaded retiring...yes and I did become a bit despondent.  Never one to directly speak about my disappointments (a skill I am learning), I simply withdrew and became more and more distant...driving him to think I didn't want to be with him.   Not a pleasant place for either of us to be!  Clearly we had conflict, hurt feelings and a different view of our hopes and dreams...or maybe not. 

As we both began to took a step back, each trying to put ourselves in the others shoes, we were able to see how a word or phrase triggered a different reality for us.  Using a form of intentional dialogue, we discovered that underneath the words we used was our desire to be loved and wanted as we maintained our autonomy.    Both of us are indeed excited by the possibilities of spending more time together as we enter a new phase of our life. 

The next time you are feeling hurt or misunderstood, take a breathe and a step back and try to see what he/she might be hearing.  A simple word that is clear to you might be creating an entirely different reality for the other person.