Melissa's story and insights continue...

Looking back at that first meeting with LisaAnn, and our subsequent conversations as we planned our wedding ceremony, I realize how lucky Jamie and I were to have found her. We knew we needed a partner, who would involve us in the planning process and create a truly original ceremony with us, and that was partly true. But more than a partner, we needed a guide, an advisor, and sometimes a psychic!

I think Jamie and I were probably very similar to a lot of engaged couples: we knew what we didn’t want (nothing too generic, but nothing too random either), but we had a harder time articulating what we actually did want. LisaAnn was able to—somehow, magically—hear the way we talked about our relationship, and our ideas about the wedding and our marriage, and then suggest elements for our ceremony that perfectly reflected these ideas.

For example, we talked to her about how important it was for us to have our wedding guests somehow involved in the ceremony. We believed that in gathering so many people together to witness our wedding, we were asking something of them: protect this love, we wanted to say to them. Witness us, yes, but also support us.

LisaAnn had so many ideas for how to take this sentiment that for us was at the heart of our entire wedding, and use it to create our ceremony. Starting with her opening blessing, she called upon all of our guests to respond with their own promise to support us; she suggested a sand ceremony that would incorporate both sets of our parents—and our separate histories—into the ceremony; and she suggested we have a dear friend write a unique reflection to be read at the ceremony.

In creating our ceremony, she didn’t ask us what we wanted. If she had, we wouldn’t have known how to answer. Instead, she asked us about love and marriage, and understood how to translate our answers into a truly meaningful ceremony that was completely us.           

So, what did I learn from this experience of working with LisaAnn? Trying to sit down and list the specific rituals, elements, or readings that you want included in your ceremony will probably not result in a cohesive plan that truly reflects who you are as a couple. Instead, try listing the reasons you are planning a wedding in the first place, and what it means to you to be married. What do you want to take away from the ceremony, when it is all done? (If you’re following LisaAnn’s advice from last week, you already have sticky notes with these ideas floating around your wedding planning area!)         

Reflect on these ideas, and then think about what you might do during your ceremony to demonstrate them to your guests, and to each other. In this way, you are using your ideas about love and marriage as the starting point for your ceremony.          

In my next post, I’ll talk about how you can use these strategies to write your own vows. In the meantime, I’d love to hear about the sentiments or ideas you would like reflected in your wedding ceremony! 

For many couples getting married this summer and fall, or for those who have just gotten engaged, the planning process can consume  much of your time and energy.  It is easy to loose focus on what your wedding day is truly about; a special time to honor and celebrate your path to one another, what you have and will continue to build together and affirming this in the presence of family and friends. 

How do you keep focused on the fact that this day is about the two of you?  First and foremost it is remembering why you are entering into the sacred commitment of marriage and partnership.  It is keeping yourselves aware of the blessings you receive each day when you wake up and go to sleep together.  It is about a lifetime of possibility and ongoing co-creation.  So whether you are in the beginning, middle or final stages of the wedding planning process, here a few tips to help you keep focused on the two of you.

• Whether you have a file folder, binder or area on your desk that you are gathering all the "wedding" documents, use  "post-it's", write short reminders ... something simple like:  "this day is about our connection",  "we are affirming our love and commitment" "we are celebrating our love", etc. and prominently post these so that each time you go to your papers they are in front of you.
• Begin a daily practice with your partner: it can be a simple statement and/or affirmation that you share with one another... "we will remain focused on our love and creating a special moment that focuses on our relationship".    Or it can be an agreement you make when all the planning details begin to overtake your lives...one of you reminds the other to pause, breathe and offers a hug, kiss or even a loving diversion to a restaurant, concert etc...
• Take breaks from the "wedding planning" have a date night each week or schedule a "get-away" weekend where you both agree to not discuss the wedding!

While these may seem simple it will take a conscious effort for you to incorporate these into your daily experience.  Ultimately, what is remembered from a wedding is not whether the napkins are a perfect match, or the color scheme, or even the venue...what is remembered is the feeling of love, friendship and warmth that is created and shared with your community.  Please share any tips that are working or have worked for you...it is always helpful for others to hear these!

At the point at which Jamie and I went to meet LisaAnn, we had already booked our venue, our caterers, the DJ, the florist… We were, in a sense, wedding vendor pros. But, as I mentioned in my previous post, we also felt strongly that meeting with our officiant was different. It was clear, from the moment LisaAnn invited us into her home, that she understood this distinction. She was not trying to “sell us” on her services, and she certainly didn’t refer us to examples of other ceremonies she’d done.

Instead, she asked us questions. Some of these questions—What is the style you want to project in your ceremony? or  Are there any religious/spiritual traditions you wish to include?—would clearly tell her something about what we were looking for. We were hoping for an officiant who would ask us these things, and were happy to share our ideas.

Other questions, though, we weren’t expecting:   How has your relationship developed into what it is today?  What does Marriage mean to you?  What has been easy about planning this wedding?

It was clear to us that LisaAnn was most concerned with understanding who we really were, as individuals and as a couple. She wanted to know how our relationship worked, and how it had developed. These questions, and the warm and inviting way in which she discussed our answers, changed the way we were thinking about our wedding officiant.

All the other vendors we had hired would help us to create a memorable wedding; LisaAnn, however, would help us set the tone for our marriage.

It was the best first date we could have imagined. We left feeling like LisaAnn really understood who we were. More importantly, we learned from her how to think of our wedding ceremony in a new way. It wasn’t just a collection of readings and personalized rituals; it was an extension of our relationship, and a public statement of how we would approach our marriage.

In my next post I’ll discuss how LisaAnn helped us to develop our ceremony, and how she managed to fulfill the promises of this wonderful first meeting.

Until then, I’d be curious to hear from you: what questions do you hope your wedding officiant will ask you?

One of the common questions I am asked by couples is: “What makes your process customized and different?”  There are many ways an officiant can answer this.  Some might speak about using your “love story” in the ceremony, or ask you to select your own readings and a specific ceremony “template” from several they already use.  For me, it begins with an informal "getting to know one another meeting".

Trying to decipher what it all means can feel like a daunting task and I often refer people to my article “Selecting a Wedding Officiant”, but here are 3 quick questions you might wish to explore with your fiancé/partner before beginning your search to help you discern what to look for.

Do you want the officiant to take quality time getting to know you, and do you feel comfortable sharing your personal stories?

If you are seeking a truly personalized and custom ceremony, then this should be a resounding “yes” and your initial meeting should feel warm, welcoming and leave you with a feeling that this is a person who a) will really listen b) provide an environment in which you can safely share c) provide you as much or little guidance as needed d) be fun to work with and willing to share who they are with you e) give you as much time as you need throughout the planning process and f) be open to feedback.

Do you have spiritual beliefs or religious affiliations that you wish to include, are they the same or different and do you wish to include this for yourselves and/or for your family.

If this is a consideration, you will want to make sure that your officiant has a solid background in creating ceremonies that combine and/or celebrate specific traditions with a flair for personalizing these.

What is the level of flexibility and leeway you want in designing your ceremony?

Ensuring that you understand the officiant’s process and how often they are willing to meet and write/rewrite your ceremony based upon your thoughts, feeling and feedback is important.  The process of co-creating your ceremony should be tailored to fit your personal needs because this is what leads to a very special and memorable ceremony.

Selecting your officiant is an important process, so my best advise...take your time, ask lots of questions, and get to know the person who is going to take on such an important part of your wedding day.

Back in 2008, when I was planning my wedding, I had a wedding binder (homemade), with binder tabs and typed labels. I had checklists. I had timetables. I had “questionnaires” that I typed up for use when I spoke to a vendor on the phone. I was, in short, an organized bride, with a capital “O.”

None of this, however, nor the time I spent reviewing the available options in Massachusetts, made me feel prepared for the search for a wedding officiant. Because let’s be honest: the person who performs your wedding ceremony is not the same as the person who puts together your bouquet, or applies your makeup, or rents you some tablecloths. Your wedding officiant is not a “vendor,” not a person whom you can “interview” and then “hire.”

My fiancé, Jamie, and I felt a lot of pressure to find just the right person, who would craft just the right ceremony, just for us. We wanted a completely personalized wedding ceremony, written and performed by a professional. How do you get that, though, unless you just happen to be best friends with someone who performs weddings for a living? We had no idea.

When we went to meet LisaAnn, we were nervous. It felt like a first date. Will she get us, we wondered. We will like her? Is she the one? Our own first date had lasted seven hours (a fact which we have always been proud of, and which LisaAnn managed to work into the Welcome of our wedding ceremony); we knew a good first date when we had one.  

I wish I could compare the conversations we had with LisaAnn to all the other wedding officiants we met with, but the truth is, after that first date with LisaAnn, we cancelled all the rest (just like we cancelled our own online dating profiles after that first epic date with each other).

She got us.

She started with a blank page, and over the months we spent working with her, she crafted just the right ceremony, just for us.

I couldn’t be more excited that LisaAnn has invited me to contribute to her blog, and to share with her readers some of my own experiences working with her to create my wedding ceremony. In my next blog, I’ll be sharing more about that special first date Jamie and I shared with LisaAnn, and how we knew she was “the one.” Please stay tuned!